I sit here reflecting on the twenty-three years that lay behind me. That built me. Hands weaving and ripping the fabric of myself until I accepted the second hand nature breathing into my life, accepting that mending a life with character is better, more interesting, than maintaining a perfect one.
If you know me, you know I tend to exude hope. When I decided it was too much to continue mending the fabric of myself, I was filled with a mundane emptiness exceeding anything I’ve ever known. It was too much; life was too much. The idea that my torn life was able to be mended seemed ludicrous. Thoughts became silent. Creativity ceased. I was a walking vessel of loneliness trapped in a cycle of seeking without answers. So I created my own answer, so I thought. To end it. To end my monotonous existence and let it all go. The once excruciating pain had turned to numbness. Unable to identify my emotions; unable to identify myself. So I let go, but the hope I thought was all gone had only been hiding.
Waking up in the hospital, tears streaming down a face that couldn’t register they were there, I made another choice. That this wouldn’t be the end. That I would rise again, as I have before through the darkness. Perhaps this had been a level I’d yet to experience, but it wasn’t a level I was incapable of overcoming. Slowly I began the process of healing. Tasks we don’t give much thought to until everything becomes effort such as bathing, eating, and sleeping became more regular and with the help of daily treatment, they became more comfortable. I was regaining the identity I lost in the fire of you. Of him. Of us. Of it all.
I’ve started this blog as a way for me to engage in my creativity once more. To further the exploration and regain my identity as a creative individual. My journey up to this point has been nothing but tumultuous, but there will be times in life where that is the case. And in the end it comes down to self worth, strength, and love to pull oneself out of the chaos we may find ourselves in. The beauty of the soul is that it is everlasting, unable to truly break. Perhaps we take hiatuses from being in touch with ourselves, but we do not fade.
I look forward to sharing my life in a less polished, perfectly imperfect way with you through my blog, photos, poetry and as always, music. Stay tuned.